Aired: November 4, 2009 — Topic: People


You know what, kids? People make me laugh.

As I happen to work at a grocery store, I see them an awful lot. All shapes and sizes, different colors, different styles- and a large proportion of them give me the giggles.

For instance- obscenely fat people. Now, I’m no H.R. Buffenstuff, but some people out there are just so damn fat, it’s a miracle they can fit into a fucking vehicle in order to get to the store so they can buy the 3 metric tons of junk-food needed to maintain their current bodyweight. And then- the FUNNIEST thing is that a lot of them use those motorized carts to get around the store! NO- do NOT feel sorry for these sacks of shit. It’s not that they can’t walk around- I’ve seen them get out of their car, and walk into the store, PERFECTLY fine, and then plop their lumpy, disgusting asses down on this cart and go rolling around the store. It’s like Jabba the Hutt getting forced into a sardine can! They are so damn lazy, that rather than get BARELY any exercise ::c’mon- is walking around the store THAT damn hard?:: that they chose to get NONE! You know what should happen to these fucking people? FORCED HARD LABOR. Maybe then that’ll teach them to misuse equipment intended for the elderly and truly disabled.

Then there are people that aren’t quite all there. Not true retards- just people that are whacked out and crazy. Grumpy dispositions, spouting off loudly how EMBARASSING it is that THEY HAVE TO USE THEIR FOOD STAMP CARD! Maybe it wouldn’t be so embarrassing if you kept that nugget of information in your noggin, champ. Or telling me what they would do with all the, and I quote VERBATIM “nigger’s and spics”, if they were in charge. That’s called genocide, jackass, and look where it got Hitler- the bad guy role in almost every World War II or Holocaust related movie, all done with very negative connotations in regards to Hitler. Do you want to be remembered like that? Then there are the homeless people that spend all day collecting cans, and come in and speak garbled English to me about things I can’t understand. Y’know what you should do with all that money your making collecting cans? Do the world a favor, buy a .44 Magnum and some rounds, load it, put the barrel of the gun in your mouth, and pull the trigger till it goes *click*. One less hungry, bitching mouth to feed….

Then- the college kids! AHA! Here is where the gold is, my friends! There’s soooo many different types, but each is priceless! For instance, there’s this BEAUTIFUL gem a good friend of mine experienced at his job one night;

Guy: I want some FAWKING pizza!

Girl: Honey, I wanta go home so you can fuck me on the balcony!

Guy: NO- I want some fawking chicken, so I can fuck you on the balcony and eat my chicken at the same time!

Girl: But honey- what am I going to eat?!?!

Or, the lady I had the other day. She was wearing a shirt that DEMANDED attention on her breasts. You couldn’t help but LOOK at her tits, as your eye was just DRAWN to the excessive cleavage and boob-meat that was just POURING out of her blouse. And you could just tell she was just EATING up all the attention it was getting her. Whatsa matter, honey- did the boys in school not give you enough lovin’, or was it your daddy?

So, next time you’re in a shopping mall, or a grocery store, take a few minutes and look around the store- you’re bound to find something to make you laugh!

That’s it for me kids- DRINK YOUR OVALTINE!

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