Aired: February 18, 2009 — Topic: Soda

IN THE BEGINNING…

Greetings 515’ers! What you have here before your face is the FIRST EVER Rant! ‘What the crap is a Rant?’ I hear you ask. Well, it’s simple. A “Rant” by definition is as follows:

rant (rnt)

v. rant·ed, rant·ing, rants

v.intr. To speak or write in a angry or violent manner; rave.

v.tr. To utter or express with violence or extravagance: a dictator who ranted his vitriol onto a captive audience.

n. 1. Violent or extravagant speech or writing.

2. A speech or piece of writing that incites anger or violence: "The vast majority [of teenagers logged onto the Internet] did not encounter recipes for pipe bombs or deranged rants about white supremacy" Daniel Okrent.

3. Chiefly British Wild or uproarious merriment.

[Probably from obsolete Dutch ranten.]

Also known as a crazy person who figured out how to type and use a computer. Make no mistake, my Rants will be… erm… not so nice. Who am I? Well, if you’re an avid 515’er, you will remember me from the IMMENSELY HILARIOUS and RESOUNDINGLY SUCCESSFUL “Trey V.S. The Robot” series. If you are NOT a 515’er, then you’re a pinko commie douche-nozzle who should be strung up by your innards. So become one! Read the comics! Join the forum! MAYBE EVEN BECOME A 515 MEMBER BY CREATING A COMIC! Who knows! You could be like the Gods of 515 some day! Living under the Interstate 80 overpass just outside of Johnston, Iowa….

To start the series off with- I’ve chosen a nice, easy topic to talk about. Just to ease you people into the groove, if you will. I chose “Soda” as my topic…

Soda- that delicious, carbonated, caffeinated, sugar filled elixir of the Gods without which all in the world would perish. Don’t believe me? Try taking away a soda from someone who is addicted to the stuff. Like me for instance- I will fucking KILL you. End of story. “But Trey,” I hear you plead, “it’s bad for you! It has addictive qualities, loaded with sugar, and is highly acidic!” You wanna know what is bad for YOU? Imagine I’ve gone a few days without the stuff. Imagine I’m holding a makeshift battle-axe I crafted out of a cracked dinner plate and a bamboo walking stick. Imagine, if your feeble minds can comprehend it, the horrid, excruciating pain that tears through your synapses as I bury it into your flesh, repeatedly, over and over again. Can you imagine it? Can you feel the shards of dinner plate flaking off and getting stuck in your wounds? All this pain and suffering- IF ONLY YOU HADN’T TAKEN AWAY MY SODA! Don’t believe I’d do it? Ask Roger that. When he gets back from his… “vacation”, that is…

Gruesome violence aside, there are many types of soda. There is your “cola’s”, your “citrus’s”, and then your, as I call it, “lite’s”. We’ll begin with the Cola’s.

Cola’s- that dark, delicious, slightly syrupy soft drink of dynamic taste. Ice cold, the concoction slides down your esophagus and into your stomach. You can feel the power as it is absorbed directly into your blood veins. I imagine it’s similar to when Hollywood Hulk Hogan “hulked” up. The first one of the day is always the best- the carbonation bubbles your brain a little, makes you tear up with joy, and usually can give you a nice belch to signify that yes, you’ve just partaken of the sweet nectar of America. There can be no greater pleasure in life than this. Warm, the stuff is not so great. It’s drinkable and will get you by, but your friends all look down on you as you’ve slaked your thirst on a beverage that hasn’t “matured” yet, you filthy cradle robbing pedophile. If allowed to go flat- you need to commit suicide. Hari-Kari, jumping off a satellite orbiting the planet, or walking into a cage filled with half-starved, man-eating tigers will do just fine. Just remember- you deserve this punishment, you horrible person you.

Citrus’s- those soft drinks with fruit flavors. Not nearly as syrupy as the Cola’s, the flavor is more pronounced. Again, the same principal as above applies- ice cold, it nourishes your soul and restores your personal well-being. Warm, it tastes like horse piss, with a citrus aftertaste. Bearable, but only just so, as it still has the same amount of caffeine and sugar, even though it smells and tastes like animal waste. Flat- the fuck is the matter with you? QUIT LETTING THE POP GO FLAT, YOU SICK FASCIST ASSBAG!

Lite’s- These are those pops that are “sugar free” or “caffeine free”, or are “diet”. I don’t touch the stuff. It’s for pansies, un-American, sick, deranged, self-conscious pussies. Doesn’t matter if it’s warm or cold- you’re still a yellow-bellied coward. And if you just so happen to let a “Lite” go flat? KUDOS TO YOU SIR/MADAM! You’ve done the country- nay, the WORLD a great service. We are in your debt. Keep up the outstanding work!

Personally, my favorite type is Cola, but from time to time, I need to reward my curiosity with a Citrus. I would list here what my no. 1 favorite Cola brand was, but due to a pending lawsuit, I’m not allowed to say. I’ll give you a hint: Vanilla C*ke. It’s sweet, nourishing taste is enhanced by the vanilla that’s added to it. Go and try it out sometime. You’ll hear angels start to sing as you take that first sip. I swear.

Well, that’s all from me for now 515’ers! Stick around as this will be a regular thing around these parts. AND READ THE OTHER COMICS. They pay me to say that…

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